By: April Carson
Love can be a powerful force, uplifting and fulfilling. But when love becomes toxic, it can be one of the most difficult things to let go of. Walking away from a toxic relationship often feels like an insurmountable challenge, one fraught with emotional and psychological barriers. Having experienced this firsthand, I know just how hard it can be.
For years, I stayed in a toxic relationship longer than I should have. It was easier to stay. I convinced myself that no man would ever love me as much as he did, even though his "love" came at a cost—to my self-esteem, mental health, and overall happiness. Adding to this, I was always told that it’s not real love if it doesn’t come with pain. This belief became deeply ingrained and made it even harder to walk away. So, why do we stay in relationships that harm us? Let’s dive into the psychology behind toxic love and explore the reasons why walking away can feel impossible.
The Psychology of Toxic Love
Toxic relationships often create a cycle of dependency and manipulation that can make leaving feel like a betrayal—not of the other person, but of ourselves.
According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, love activates the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine and oxytocin—chemicals that create feelings of attachment and euphoria. In toxic relationships, these same mechanisms become heightened during periods of reconciliation, creating what psychologists call "intermittent reinforcement." This pattern of highs and lows mirrors addiction, making it hard to break free.
Fear of Being Alone
One of the most common reasons for staying in a toxic relationship is the fear of being alone. In my case, I often thought, “What if no one else loves me the way he does?” That fear is not uncommon. Research published in 2024 by the Journal of Relationship Science highlights that individuals with low self-esteem often internalize the belief that they are unworthy of love, making them more likely to remain in unhealthy relationships.
Cognitive Dissonance and Rationalization
Cognitive dissonance occurs when there is a conflict between our actions and beliefs. Staying in a toxic relationship often leads to rationalizing the partner’s behavior. "He’s not always like this" or "He only acts this way because he loves me so much" are common thoughts. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and expert on narcissistic relationships, explains that this rationalization process allows us to reconcile the pain caused by toxic love with our deep-seated desire to believe in the relationship’s potential.
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is another significant factor. This phenomenon occurs when cycles of abuse are interspersed with positive reinforcement, such as apologies, gifts, or declarations of love. Over time, the victim becomes emotionally attached to their abuser. The 2024 study "Emotional Dependency in Abusive Relationships" underscores that trauma bonding can make leaving feel not only difficult but emotionally devastating.
Breaking the Cycle
If you find yourself trapped in a toxic relationship, know that you are not alone and that leaving is possible. Here are some strategies to consider:
Seek Professional Help: Therapy can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop strategies to leave.
Build a Support System: Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can provide emotional and practical support.
Rebuild Self-Worth: Journaling, affirmations, and self-care activities can help you rediscover your value outside of the relationship.
Educate Yourself: Understanding the dynamics of toxic love can empower you to recognize patterns and make informed decisions.
Walking away from my toxic relationship was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the most liberating. I realized that the love I was clinging to was never truly love—it was control, manipulation, and fear. By choosing myself, I began to heal. And I’ve learned that real love does not demand your sacrifice; it celebrates your individuality and growth.
Toxic love thrives on fear, dependency, and manipulation. Breaking free requires immense courage, self-awareness, and support. If you’re struggling to leave a toxic relationship, remember that you deserve a love that nourishes, not diminishes, you. It’s never too late to choose yourself.
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References:
Fisher, H. E. (2024). The Neurobiology of Love and Attachment. Journal of Relationship Science, 45(3), 233-245.
Durvasula, R. (2024). Narcissism in Intimate Relationships: Recognizing and Breaking Free. Psychology Today.
Journal of Relationship Science. (2024). Emotional Dependency in Abusive Relationships. Vol. 12, Issue 4, 56-68.
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out the Blogger:
Hi! I'm April Carson, and if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm all about determination, dedication, and passion—whether in the classroom, on the court, or in my community. Growing up as Billy Carson's daughter, I learned early on the importance of pursuing my dreams with everything I’ve got.
My journey took off at Jacksonville University, where I dove into my love for Sociology. I wanted to understand people and society deeper, and I was known for being that curious, enthusiastic student, always eager to make a difference in the field.
But life wasn’t all books and lectures. I had another love—basketball. Playing for the Women’s Basketball team at Jacksonville was an experience that taught me so much about teamwork, leadership, and relentless drive. Those traits have shaped who I am, both on and off the court.
Today, I’m excited to be working on new projects that combine my passion for wellness and mental health. I’ve launched my blog, The Serenity Scrub, where I share insights on mental wellness. I’m also writing a Mental Wellness workbook that I hope will inspire and support even more people on their journeys. Want to learn more about what I’m up to? You can check it all out on my website!
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